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WHERE SHALL I HIDE?

by Neavei Isaac

Neavei Isaac, the author, currently resides in Queensland, Australia. He was born and raised in New Zealand.

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I want to tell you about the single most important event in my life. In doing so I will have to reveal some things of a personal nature. I guess almost everyone has things in their personal history which they would rather were otherwise. There is no profit in dwelling on things which have been cast into the sea of forgetfulness; they are recalled here only to provide some necessary background.

I was born in N.Z. My mother rejected me for several days, claiming that I wasn’t her child. Some days later she repented and took me home where I was rejected by my dad.

For the most part he ignored me, but that became more difficult as the months passed. Obviously, I don’t remember much of that except that these things were sometimes mentioned as I grew up.

I had a very difficult early childhood. By the time I was school age my parents had become convinced that I was evil and stupid. Whenever I got into trouble, which was often, they would tell me how evil and stupid I was.

Sometimes, Dad would say that Mother should have given me away at birth.

Throughout my upbringing I was treated differently to my brothers and sister. It was not until I was forty eight years old that I discovered the reason for all this.

Before Dad died, he told my sister who later told me, that I was not his son, but his nephew. He said that Mother had been raped by my uncle, and I was the result. The moment I heard that, many things that had puzzled me fell into place. Bits of overheard conversation, and many bewildering comments from relatives all suddenly made perfect sense.

Once, I understood the truth I was able to have compassion for this man who had been presented with his wife’s bastard child. I forgave him for all the bad things that happened between us, and was able to let go of a great deal of bitterness and resentment that I had been carrying around with me all my life.

Meantime, by the time I was a teenager, I was a real rebel. I constantly got into trouble of one sort or another. My parents were religious, and regular church-goers. The family had to kneel in a circle each evening, and chant long meaningless prayers. Surrounded by cant and hipocracy, I rejected religion at age thirteen. I didn’t know it then, but I had thrown out the baby with the bathwater. By then I was a liar and a thief. I stole a motorcycle and rode it all around the city. Eventually I was chased and finally stopped by a policeman. He said that if I hadn’t been speeding he wouldn’t have noticed me. So it was that at an early age I became a bikie and got my first ticket.

Before my fifteenth birthday I had left school and started full time work. Before my seventeenth birthday I had a motorbike, and before my eighteenth I had a fast powerful bike and a v8 car.

Early in my teens I had decided not to take life seriously until I grew up. I was into v8’s, motorbikes and girls.

At the time I thought I couldn't get enough girls, but looking back I can see there were far too many, and I treated them badly. As for the cars and bikes, the road was a racetrack. Cops were just another hazard to be avoided. Speeding fines were just annoying taxes.

Looking back I am amazed that I wasn’t killed or jailed many times. I can see that hand of God protecting me from my own stupidity. Only God knows why He protected me but I suspect that it was His response to my mother’s faith in Him and her prayers for me.

At age twenty-one, I decided that it was time to take life seriously. I began to look for some way to make a fortune. That turned out to be a much harder task than I had imagined. I found that while I could get any number of jobs at the unskilled or semi skilled level it was not possible to find one that led to big money. I began to read more widely, and began a search for wisdom. That too turned out to be a much harder task than I had expected. After three fruitless years I decided that I should go to university. There, I thought, I was sure to find wisdom. Since I was looking for wisdom, it made sense to study philosophy. Since I had left school before my fifteenth birthday, I did not have a solid education and struggled with the academic requirements.

The social life was exciting. Most students spent more time partying than studying and I was no exception. Fours years later I took a bachelor’s degree, majoring in philosophy. Though I had struggled with my studies, I had proved to myself that I wasn’t stupid as I had been brought up to believe. I had also discovered that wisdom was not to be found in the philosophy department, and I suspected that it was not to be found anywhere in the university.

So it was that at age twenty-eight I had an education, a house, a car, a wife and a baby but I still had neither wisdom or wealth. There were some good jobs offering to me, but they were all long term propositions. I wanted something with better prospects for the good life before I got too old to enjoy it. One of my brothers who was a foreman in a factory had managed to save some money and was also looking for something better. We joined forces and bought a service station and motor repair business. We did very well and soon had a level of affluence that neither of us had previously known. One day the bank manager came calling to ask if we would like to borrow a large sum for a project. We were doing well! Little did I know how soon I was to lose it all.

One day a beautiful young woman came in to have her car serviced. I just had to have her, and pretty soon we were having an affair. This was not the first time I had cheated on my wife, but the others were just out for a good time too, and my wife didn’t seem to worry when I was out late. She spent a lot of time with her friends and seemed happy with that. There had never been any passion or romance in our marriage. We were really just companions.

Starved for love as a child I had for many years been looking for love in the arms of women. When my baby daughter came along I had decided to stop all that, but now I was reverting to my former ways. On one occasion I had sex with three different women in the one day, but I never found satisfaction. Looking back I can see what a rotten person I was. I was a liar, a cheat, and very selfish.

Knowing from my own admission what a rotten person I was, you may find it very difficult to believe what I am about to tell you.

Over the years, I read and heard about several such accounts as this, and I wrote them all off as flights of fancy or delusions. I scoffed at anything that hinted there may be a knowing, caring God out there. And yet strangely, I was always ready to give credence to tales of E.S.P. I suspected that most religions had some truth in them, but not much. I was pretty much New Age in my thinking and outlook. I was such an habitual liar that my mind could no longer distinguish between truth and falsity. If you can relate to what I am saying here, then you know how the mind can be swayed this way and that; it is only flesh after all. I can only advise that you put your usual mindset to one side, and listen to your spirit which knows the truth when it hears it.

One evening when I was with my lover, I had an over-powering desire to completely possess her. I was no longer satisfied with knowing her physically, I wanted my mind to enter her; my very awareness to be within her. I wanted to know her thoughts and feel her feelings. In order to do that, I forced my spirit to leave my body.

At this point some of you may be ready to write me off as a fruit-loop. Talk of out-of-body experiences can effect people that way. I can only tell you that I was familiar with 'out-of-body' experiences, but that I had never before tried to enter another person. Well, I didn’t succeed. I left my body, but instead of entering her I found myself surrounded by featureless greyness. I think at that moment , I died. My friend later told me that she thought I had died of a heart attack. One moment I was with her, fully engaged in what we were doing, and the next moment I was a lifeless hulk. To all intents and purposes I was lifeless for about forty minutes.

I felt puzzled rather than afraid. This was not like anything I had known before. In vain I looked in every direction, but could see nothing at all. I continued to scan, but it was impossible to focus as there was nothing to focus on. Just as I began to feel panic, I noticed a faint glimmer off to one side. When I looked I could see nothing, but when I didn’t look in that direction I had the sense of a very faint light off to my right. Sometimes when you look at the night sky you have the impression of stars which are so dim you are not quite sure they are there. It was like that, only there was just the one glimmer.

Suddenly, I wanted very strongly for that glimmer to be a light. I found that I could move toward it, and I did so simply by willing it. I had the impression of moving rapidly and eventually the glimmer became an undeniable light. At the same moment that I knew there really was a light out there, I realized that I was surrounded not by greyness, but by impenetrable darkness. It is as if one cannot see darkness unless there is some light to measure it by. As soon as I recognized the darkness as such, I became very afraid of what might be hidden in it. All I knew was to move toward the light, but even that was scary because the light also uncovered me.

The light illuminated more and more of the space about me until the darkness had shrunk to a small area behind me. It felt as though the darkness was trying to pull me back, and I had to keep willing myself further into the light.

There came a moment when I was aware of a kind of portal or doorway ahead of me. I could see no door, just an opening. The light was coming from beyond that opening. At the same time that I saw the source of the light, I stopped moving forward. I wanted to go through into the light as I felt that only then would I be safe. Try as I might I could not go forward, but I knew I only had to relax in order to go backward. I could still feel the pull of the darkness.

Looking more carefully at the opening, I saw that it had parallel sides, but was rounded at the top having a narrow appearance. The figure of a man appeared in the doorway. I thought the doorway and its occupant were about 50 metres away from me until he stepped forth. Suddenly my perceptions changed as I realized that He was gigantic in comparison with me, and quite along way from me. It seemed to me that I was no taller than the soles of His sandals. I was terrified. Amazingly, with each step He took toward me, He seemed to shrink. When He came near me He was just a little taller than me.

He stood there, about ten metres away, and gazed at me. There was nothing disdainful or downputting in the way He looked at me, but His gaze contained complete knowledge of me. He saw all of me. He knew everything there was to know about me.

Now I was even more terrified because His revealing gaze showed me what a filthy rotten bit of muck I was. As I saw myself revealed, I also saw that He was faultless and prefect in every way.

Then He spoke saying, "You know who I Am."

"But you are not real," I replied. And He just looked at me with that knowing look.

A feeling of great hopelessness came over me as I began to realize that this could be judgement day for me. What hope could there be for me? I had been living a life of sin. I had denied Christ for more that half my life, and had apparently died when in the very act of adultery.

"What do you want?" He asked.

Now I knew very well that He knew exactly what I wanted, but He obviously wanted me to say so.

"I want to go in there where the light is coming from," I said, without any real hope that I would be allowed to enter.

"You can’t go in there, and you know why," He said with finality.

At that, all remaining hope and strength drained out of me; I was in utter dread.

It was then, at the lowest moment of my entire existence, when there was not an ounce of pride or defiance left in me; the amazing grace of the Lord took me to the greatest moment of my entire existence.

He led me to a low bench that I had not noticed before, and sat down with me upon it. Drawing me close to His side He said, "Neavei, I love you".

I knew it was true because He said it, but also because I could feel it. I cannot describe that love except to say that it far transcends anything you can imagine. The most loving feelings you have ever experienced toward your own children pale in comparison. His love swept through me touching every part of me. I could not comprehend what was happening. For most of my life I had been denied love and now the Creator Himself was infusing me with His untrammeled love. Here was I, this vile mucky creature, being loved by this perfect Lord of All Creation; Jesus.

I felt that I was being washed, touched, healed. For a time I just bathed in glory. By and by, my wits returned, but just as I began to wonder about the apparent contradiction of being turned away from the door and yet being loved by Jesus, He spoke again.

"I am sending you back, for I have work for you to do." He said.

I could not reply; being completely overwhelmed with joy at this reprieve.

"There are many on Earth who Know of Me," He continued. "But they don’t know My Word is true. Many have been raised in confusing circumstances and are deceived. They need to be told the Truth. You are to tell them I Am. I love them. I Am coming back soon.

The Lord explained to me that being familiar with the Biblical stories about Him is not enough. The people have to know that the accounts of His life on earth which are found in the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John are true. He further explained that although He has many servants, there is much to be done. He said there were many people who needed to hear the truth from me. He said He would empower my words to touch people who could not otherwise receive the truth. When He told me how many people I must reach for Him I was frightened.

"Lord, I can't reach that many people. I'm only Neavei."

Assuring me that I could indeed accomplish the task He was giving me, He again stressed that many souls depended on the work I was to do.

"I must start this work right away," I said.

"You will not begin this work for many years", said the Lord. Then He went on to tell me of many things I would do over the next twenty years.

I was aghast at what He told me. "I won’t do those horrible things now that I see them for what they are", I protested. Realizing the futility of arguing with an all-knowing God, I was filled with shame at hearing of these things I would do. He then explained that I would do these things because I would not remember the truth. I would not be able to remember.

"There is no light in you, only darkness," said Jesus.

Puzzled and fearful , I asked how I would ever be saved, and how I would become an instrument in the salvation of others?

The Lord Jesus then explained to me that the day would come when I would call out to Him to save me from the mess I had made of my life. He said that from that moment He would hold me in His hand, and the light would begin to dawn in me. As the light in me grew, memory of these experiences would come to me. Even then, it seemed, I would tarry until the end of days when time was very short.

"How will I ever manage to reach so many people if I have so little time to do it," I asked.

"Trust in Me, for My timing is perfect. When the time comes, I will give you the means." He replied.

Even as I heard those words it seemed, I awoke to find myself face down in the back of the car. I remember gasping for breath, and then choking on the dust I had just breathed in. Pulling myself together, I stumbled out of the car only to be accosted by my friend. She had thought me dead, and had been pacing up and down wondering how to get rid of my body without facing awkward questions. She was married too, and was fearful of the consequences should her husband discover what she had been doing. Now she thought it had been a bad joke on my part. I had just been pretending to be dead.

It took me some time to calm her, and assure her, that I had no knowledge of what had happened. Indeed, that was true. Even as I tried to explain I could remember only that I had been out of my body, and had some really great experiences up in the clouds. Thinking that it was only natural for me to be a little confused after being in some kind of coma for more that a half-hour, I said I would tell her everything in a day or two.

Even the vague memories I had awoken with were quite gone the next day. I knew I had experienced something quite mystical, but beyond that I had no idea what it had been.

Many times I tried to recall what had happened that night, I could not. I could remember the occasion and what I had tried to do, but beyond that – nothing. Only the conviction that something wonderful had happened remained with me.

So the years passed.

Through the passing of twenty years I did many things I am now very ashamed of. I have repented of those things, and ask forgiveness from all those I hurt. I was degenerate. In the year of 1992, when my life was at an all time low, I called out to God. It was a desperate cry for help, but it came out in the form of a challenge.

"Hey there Big "G", I don’t know if you are real, but they say you are. I don’t know if you can hear me, but they say you can. I don't know if you care, but they say you do. I want to know the truth. If you are real, and you are who they say you are; I don't understand why the creator of the whole cosmos would care about a nothing hopeless failure like me. I want to know the truth. If You are real; if you sent Your Son Jesus to live as a man, and die on the cross to save us from our sins, then reveal Yourself so I may know the truth."

I did not notice any sudden change. I had not expected to. I thought the whole proposition was absurd. Just another sign of the deluded state I was in. I put the matter out of my mind.

Weeks passed and I found myself sharing a house with a Christian. He had answered my advert for a flatmate. We had some common interests, and enjoyed the same shows on TV, so we got on quite well. He seemed an ordinary bloke in most ways, but one night a week and twice on Sunday, he did something weird. He went to church. He always invited me but I never went. No way! I was not going to get mixed up in that kind of crap.

About the same time, my children started to talk about the things they were learning at the religious education classes at their school.

One night my flatmate said, "I know you don't believe as I do. I would like you to come along to church just for fellowship and to enjoy the good music."

I accepted his invitation, but was completely unprepared for what happened. To my amazement there was a church full of people who were obviously enjoying themselves. That was a big enough shock, but soon I was listening to the preacher’s message and something in me was responding. Afterward, my friend asked me if I had enjoyed it. I said I had in some ways, but I didn’t want to go back again because it was too uncomfortable. Months passed and I would occasionally go to an evening service with my friend, but always with the same result. During this time, I was increasingly engaged with an internal debate. I did not know if I was talking to myself or if this was God I was talking to. There were changes in my life, I began to care about things I had not cared about for a long time.

About that time I visited my sister who had been a Born-Again Christian for some years. She witnessed to me, and also shared with me some information that my dad had given her. These things had a powerful effect on me. I wanted to believe in Jesus. He seemed to be the answer to so many problems. But was all this just the delusions of an emotional cripple who couldn’t make it without some sort of crutch? It was time for a test.

The inner voice that by now I could hardly ignore was giving me a hard time about my womanizing. It seemed I had to forget about sex or get married. I made a list of qualities a woman would have to have for me to take her seriously. It was a list containing those qualities I admired in a woman, but it also contained a number of items that I included just to make things difficult. My reasoning was that if the list was too simple I could find this woman by coincidence, or by searching for her. There had to be things in the list that made it extremely unlikely that I should find such a specific woman.

A few weeks later, in completely unlikely circumstances, I met the very woman I had described. I was quite suspicious at first, but fell hopelessly in love with her in spite of my suspicions.

On our first date, my future wife told me that as she was a Christian, I should not mess with her, "Either take me seriously, or leave me alone."

One by one, The Lord dealt with the issues I raised. There came a time when I knew that I had to make a decision about the direction my whole future would take. For the greater part of my life up to that time, I had believed that there was no personal god. If there was a creator, then He had done His work long ago, and left the whole universe to fulfill its destiny in some autonomous way. Now I seemed to be discovering that there is a God who knows, cares, and answers. In my search for wisdom I had looked into the most popular religions, and some cults and found them wanting. They were all dead, lifeless philosophies which created more troubles than they solved. Now I was being confronted with a sovereign God who takes a personal interest in all who seek Him.

Now I prayed another prayer, "God, if You really are listening , and if You really do care, I want to know the truth no matter what it costs me."

It was as if blinders had been suddenly removed from my eyes. All around I saw evidence of God. In plants, animals, mountains and especially in people, I saw things I had always been blind to. Previously, I had seen only the natural. Now I saw something of spirit in all creation. It was as if I could see the blueprint for each thing as well as the thing itself.

By this time I felt a great urgency to get the matter settled. One sleepless night I sat up with the Bible. I could not accept with my mind what I now know in my heart to be true. About three-thirty in the morning, I prayed,"God, I have reservations about what is written in this bible. There are either contradictions in these books or I lack the ability to understand what I am reading.

Show me, in a way I can understand, the truth about just one of these apparent contradictions and I will take the rest on trust until such time as You may reveal more to me."

Instantly I received an understanding of that particular puzzle. There and then I gave my heart to Jesus. Over the years since then, many puzzles have been sorted out for me.

Some weeks later I responded to an altar call, making my new faith a matter of public knowledge.

Soon I was baptized with water. Then I received baptism of the Holy Spirit. I was saved, redeemed and made a part of the body of Christ. All that happened quickly, but now began the slow process of the renewing of my mind to conform with my status as a child of God.

I married my lovely wife Denise, and brought her many troubles. Praise God I have had nothing to do with other women since I first met Denise, but I brought her into the marriage with a lot of wrong thinking. We went through troubled times as the Lord dealt with me.

Slowly, I made progress in the things of God. I joined the F.G.B.M.F.I. and fellowshipped with men who knew and loved Jesus. There came a time when sufficient light was in me for memory of that wonderful event of twenty years ago go come flooding back to my conscious mind.

It happens from time to time with anyone who has lived awhile, that a particular sight, or smell, or happening will remind one of a time or place that has not been thought of for many years. When that happens, one is not confused. The memory of that event is clear and one knows it as memory.

Such is the case with the memory I have of those events of long ago. I have recounted them here as accurately as I am able. This is a true account of real events.

The Good Lord continues to improve as the Holy Spirit deals with us, changes us, conforms us to Jesus.

Praise God for the work He has done, and continues to do in our lives.

The fact that you are reading this account proves that Jesus has given me the means to carry out the commission He gave me so long ago.

I pray that Jesus blesses all who read this testimony and calls them to a closer walk with Him.

Jesus lives. The bible stories about Him are true. Jesus loves us, and will save all who call on His mercy and receive Him into their hearts. These are the end of days.

Jesus is coming back soon!